“You’re not fresh.”
Is that why no one read my blog today?
“You’re 10 minutes ago. So yesterday.”
But I only posted something yesterday.
“It’s already old news. You’re only as good as your last post.”
But I thought it was a pretty decent post. I avoided clichés. I wrote from my heart. Can you give me any ideas why only 4 people read it?
“There’s a new kid in town. She’s hot. Right NOW. She’s trending on Twitter as we speak.”
But some I got some recognition a few weeks ago. I was hot then!
“But the new kid is sassy and edgy. She’s badass. And a wit to die for.”
Gee that seems a lot to compete with. I thought it wasn’t a competition. Aren’t there are enough slices in the pie for everyone? I just want to write and be heard by more than 4 people.
“But it’s lightning speed in here. If you haven’t been retweeted within minutes, you need to move on. If you want to be read, you have to move fast.”
How do I do that?
“Have you aggressively marketed yourself? What’s your Klout score? Do you have reach?”
That sounds complicated. I don’t want to get carried away.
“But are you appealing to a wide audience? Do you have a niche?”
I’m not sure what my niche is. Am I required to have one?
“Well if you don’t have one, at least consider jumping on a bandwagon. There’s one leaving round about now. Hold on a second! – you’ve just missed it.”
“Hmm. ..Do you have a fan base? Have you built a celebrity following?”
Celebrity? I’m not interested in being a celebrity. I’m a writer. I write things.
“Then you need to write about something with universal appeal. Something that is marketable. Something that will go viral. Something epic. Controversy works a treat. Or sad stuff. Or having a baby… Have you considered having a baby or having a tragedy?”
I’ve had both of those. Not planning to have them again.
“Ah, well there’s your trouble. It’s in the past. We’re interested in right now. We want fresh!”
You mean all those posts that took a lifetime to ruminate and pen down have a 10 minute window of glory?
“Yes. The stampede has moved on.”
I feel cheap. I feel exposed. I’ve pimped out the sacred details of my life, haven’t I?
“Congratulations, you’re a true artist.”
Thanks…. I think. So what do you advise I do?
“Well, you know the post that you’re writing right now about this conversation?”
Yeah I know the one.
“Make sure that it has a killer punchline. The readers love that shit.”
Damn. I’m fresh out of punchlines.
“Hurry! They’re about to click out of this page.”
I’m feeling so inadequate now. It seems easier to curl up in a ball and never write a post again and passive-aggressively seek attention that way.
“Your time is up!”